Social Outcast

Sometimes I feel that these two words are what seem to describe me best. Others will disagree, but it doesn't change how I feel.

We went to a Friday night church service. After a wonderful dinner out, we picked up Hannah and headed off to worship. The music was good, the nursery was good, the sermon was good....the friendship and hospitality....now that's a different story. How is it that I can sit in a crowded room, holding my sleeping baby, and only three people say anything to me? Three people! One lady (I have known her for years) came up and asked how old Hannah was and told me congratulations, and then left. One guy said hello, and then Nick introduced me to the man he had been talking to for the last 20 minutes or so. Oh, and I got ran into by two teenage boys who wrestling. They didn't even acknowledge that they ran into me. I felt very isolated and very depressed.

It tends to happen to me everywhere though. I took Hannah to story time last week. Only one other mom talked to me, and I had met her on a random non story time day the week before. How can you be in a crowded room full of moms and their children, and no one talk to you?

Do I send off a vibe that says to leave me alone? Do I really dress that bad, that no one wants to spend time with me?I am a very lonely person, and have been for quite awhile. I live in a world with no friends. No one to hang out with. No one to do play dates. The closest thing I get is the internet, and that doesn't even work. I'm part of a community of thousands of moms, and not one, do I ever really talk to. No one sends a message to just say hi, how's it going? They see me, they know I am there. And I am still an outcast.

The closest thing to a friendship that I get is sitting and talking on the phone with a dear friend that I have never even met. And there are even days, when I wonder how long it will last.

I thank the Lord for wonderful husband. He truly is best friend. I know that even when I am an out cast, he will be there for me. And if not, I know that I always have the Lord.

I was sitting in the car on the way home tonight, and realized that this has gone my entire life. I have ALWAYS been the outcast! Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end.

Maybe I will write more later....

You're not pregnant are you?

You know, I really don't like this statement. It implies negativity, even before I have a chance to answer. It tells me that if I am, that the baby inside is already not wanted. It's already viewed as an inconvenience.

Then they proceed to tell say that I have shouldn't have another baby right now anyways! I need to get on my feet first. How much more on my feet do I need to be? We have a house (it's small, but more people have lived in smaller places), we have a car (will be out of the shop next week, insured, registered, and FULLY paid for) we have enough money to pay all of our bills, pay rent, and we have plenty of food to put on the table. What else do we exactly need?

These types of remarks form people, make me not want to even tell them if I am pregnant. Which I don't even if know if I am. I mean anything is possible with God, but we are not actively trying to have another baby at this point. We would like to wait until after Hannah's birthday, but we would happy to take another child at this time, if God so chose to bless us.

If I get pregnant, I want people to happy about it. I want to be joyful in my pregnancy, not sad because I feel judged by all those around me, who think that I need to get on my feet better.

So all this to say, that I much more prefer the question, "are you pregnant?" It seems more happy to me, and less judgmental!

Why I DRESS the way I do...

Some time ago I was attending a church, and the pastor's wife and daughters only wore skirts and dresses. I remember looking at them and thinking that I really seemed to like it. The pastor's wife always looked so nice. Even in just a jean skirt and everyday shirt. I thought she was very pretty, and found that she caused all focus to go to her face, instead of to the clothes that she was wearing.

After watching her for sometime I decided to ask about it. My first thought, was that she only dressed this way when other people were around. I thought, surely she doesn't dress like this all of the time. I was very surprised when I learned that indeed, she does dress like this all of the time.

So I decided to ask the pastor about it, and he gave me a book to read called What in the World SHOULD I wear. At least I think that is what it is called. It was a very small book, and I was amazed at what I was reading. There are some people that would tell you that in the Bible it says that women shouldn't wear pants. I do not believe that this is what it is saying. I believe that biblically women should not wear men's clothing. ie men's pants, shirts, hats, shoes..etc. They are women's pants and men's pants.

Anyways, the book talks about how your clothing should be a frame for your face, not a frame for your body. The quote that stood out to me the most was this. "Pants do nothing to hide a women's body, they just display it in a different color!"And how true that is!

So after giving it much though and prayer, and council with my husband I decided to change the way that I dress. Please understand I was not forced to do this by my husband. I actually had the idea first and brought it to his attention. He decided that he liked the idea, and said that he would happy if I did it. So when I became to big in my pregnancy to fit into my regular clothes, I gave all of my pants away, and switched to dresses and skirts.

I love it. I feel very modest. I don't have to worry about my pants being too tight, and slipping down then I sit or bend over. I feel pretty and lady like.

So we have decided that the girls in our household will wear skirts and dresses only. This is how they will be raised, and if they decide later in life to change that, then that is up to them. But I want my daughter's to grow up with an appreciation for modesty, and gender distinction. I want people to look at them and know that they are little girls.

No one cares to listen...

Boy, it's really hard when you are passionate about something, and no one will listen to you. They would rather just back away and watch the things they are saying, than to just listen to the ramblings that I so desperately want someone to hear. Anyone to hear! How are you supposed to learn anything and get out of you little bubble, if you are not willing to hear other viewpoints on things? All is does is leave me alone, and depressed, just wanting a friend who listen. Someone to understand. Everyone has their excuses. What's yours?

Wow! What a day!

The Lord blessed us and we were able to get our taxes back. He really opened up the door, for us to get some of the things we needed. Nick is really excited because we got a t.v. and new laptop so that we can have better church services on Sunday mornings. Which makes me happy because I get the old laptop for the things that I need to do. This opens up a whole world of opportunities for me! I'm not wireless, and can take the computer into my kitchen! Instant recipes!

We were also able to get some clothes for all of us! Especially for Hannah, who is growing so fast, that I can't hardly keep up with it! I just have to say that I love thrift stores! I was able to buy a whole basket of clothes for Hannah for less than $40.00! You really can't beat that!

Hannah was very good today too! She had a coupe of small melt downs in the car, but after she ate and went to sleep, she was fine. I'm very surprised!

So all around, God was very good to us today!

We'll see how it goes...

So I've never been one to sit down and write my thoughts out. I never could get into journaling. I would have really good intentions, and then quit somewhere along the way! I'm praying that God will give me the grace to stick to this one!