Social Outcast

Sometimes I feel that these two words are what seem to describe me best. Others will disagree, but it doesn't change how I feel.

We went to a Friday night church service. After a wonderful dinner out, we picked up Hannah and headed off to worship. The music was good, the nursery was good, the sermon was good....the friendship and hospitality....now that's a different story. How is it that I can sit in a crowded room, holding my sleeping baby, and only three people say anything to me? Three people! One lady (I have known her for years) came up and asked how old Hannah was and told me congratulations, and then left. One guy said hello, and then Nick introduced me to the man he had been talking to for the last 20 minutes or so. Oh, and I got ran into by two teenage boys who wrestling. They didn't even acknowledge that they ran into me. I felt very isolated and very depressed.

It tends to happen to me everywhere though. I took Hannah to story time last week. Only one other mom talked to me, and I had met her on a random non story time day the week before. How can you be in a crowded room full of moms and their children, and no one talk to you?

Do I send off a vibe that says to leave me alone? Do I really dress that bad, that no one wants to spend time with me?I am a very lonely person, and have been for quite awhile. I live in a world with no friends. No one to hang out with. No one to do play dates. The closest thing I get is the internet, and that doesn't even work. I'm part of a community of thousands of moms, and not one, do I ever really talk to. No one sends a message to just say hi, how's it going? They see me, they know I am there. And I am still an outcast.

The closest thing to a friendship that I get is sitting and talking on the phone with a dear friend that I have never even met. And there are even days, when I wonder how long it will last.

I thank the Lord for wonderful husband. He truly is best friend. I know that even when I am an out cast, he will be there for me. And if not, I know that I always have the Lord.

I was sitting in the car on the way home tonight, and realized that this has gone my entire life. I have ALWAYS been the outcast! Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end.

Maybe I will write more later....